a sad post (because i am sad today)

Too many decisions…

There were too many decisions in the past (and the present) that keeps hunting me.

And with this particular decision I’ve made… it keeps making me cry.

I was never a good friend, was I?

Until now I keep thinking if that decision ended our friendship… or was it never there. Or was I the one who went away and kept the relationship simple, distant... not minding.

Because I was too afraid to be swayed… I was too afraid to make a decision about my life…. like I am until now. And that maybe you thought that me making that decision was me ending our friendship.

You’re one of my bests and I wanted to keep you… but that decision must have contradicted to that.

I wanted to keep you close but I keep thinking too much of just having the friendship grow and never wanted to do what you wanted to do to make your life better… to make our lives better.

And now I keep thinking maybe I really deserve what I really feel right now.

And then I have to make a decision again, to just let this go…

I’m sorry.

And I still hope we have those special places in our hearts.

I hope you understood me as I do understand you.

And congratulations because I know you have achieved your goal now.

And I am truly happy for you.

And I may not be able to say this to you directly, I hope one day you get to read and understand this.

07292010

insecure

insecure, a word I have never thought I'd come to accept as a feeling... an undeniably frustrating feeling. and right where and when i thought i would be at my best and happiest, is where i also am the most lowest... most insecure. and who's to blame? i believe i should be, but i believe it may also be just destiny. but yes, we make our own lives and our decisions becomes the cause of our destiny.

i hope to become aware, i hope to escape... i hope to soon depart from this maybe foolish mistake. i hope to gain more courage, to convince myself... how long will it last, help me God to amend

in my siLent sanctuary

i don't like having someone else not as close as my sisters inside my room...
i used to be okay with having to share a room way back in my early college life and then i went and requested to just have my own one...

now that i'm back to being alone, that feeling just intensified...
i only want a space of my own, a silent sanctuary...
i only want the silence and the space to look at me when i'm dressing up...
i only want my stuffs to witness my insanity, my bed to catch my falls...

there's no reason at all for being selfish about sharing it, maybe i am just selfish, period.

but maybe, just maybe you will understand why...

i am silent... i only have this room to keep me sane, calm, and happy...
in this new place, when he is not comforting me, i only have my silent sanctuary to love me...

forget me not...

jerome and i decided one day to go shopping...
no not for clothes or shoes and fashion stuffs haha..

we were craving for danggit and that tiny dried bolinao... and that dried squid(?).

on our way home we saw these plants for sale and we were so "love-at-first-site" on this sort of purple/lavender/blue-violet flower plant... hehe

and for P15 we undoubtedly bought it...but it never cross our minds to ask what it was called, and so we were calling it "lavender".

we're just so amaze by the color and the way it grows, it opens up flowers almost every day..or so we think it does hehe...


and i just recently saw this sold also here in sm and found that it was really called "forget me not".

i find it so cute...

maybe that is why it doesn't stop growing flowers..
maybe that is why it doesn't stop making us check on it..
maybe that was why it made us stop and bought it in the first place..

it doesn't want to be forgotten. =)

my him...

I was angry and my tears were starting to fall and I couldn’t stop them anymore…

I never looked at him and he just tries to console me... his hands just patted my shoulders and caressed my cheeks.

I was angry but I knew I wouldn’t end the story with a break up, but instead, I just didn’t talk…didn’t smile back…

I just let the anger fade away and he knew I needed to calm down first…

And then we hugged each other. Like I never had a reason to be angry and cry. Like I was just being maarte and stupid and I somehow win but really… we both did.

After all the sorry’s and explanations though I never understood them all, I just did forgive him and he just did understood me.

If this were me in the my-used-to-be-life-and-attitude, the story of us would have ended already a long time ago.

But we both choose to understand beyond we both expect of each other.

Is it really love?

I bet it really is!

(June 5, 2009)

ALL I WANNA DO IS SLEEP

I went to work late yesterday - it's a combination of not wanting to participate in training and that I really just wanna sleep feeling a lil drowsy for no reasons at all.



Then when I got to the office I was all cheery and all okay during the conference call/Q&A with some analyst. I thought that was great, I thought the day started great and I would all finish up my targets.



But when the major part of my job started, it's like my life ended.

I don't know how to express it but it worries me that I am not doing well on my job or that I am good at it but I'm not doing it. The aim is to qc aroung 20 or more transactions in a day (for 8 hours) but today I am working on 5 deals in five hours! How was I supposed to finish all 40 plus of my target today?!



And yeah not to mention that I am blogging right now because I am so not myself and I wanted it all out - with no one to talk to that might really understand what I feel - so another wasted work time I guess.



And so it's already 7:37 am (my off was suppose to be at 6) and I still have 30plus more deals to go through. I tried to reast on my cutie pillow and tried to think and think.



I ended up realizing that for the past few days I've been wanting to sleep and just sleep or just be in bed or just be with my sister hang out somewhere and be happy. I think that these may really be just signs - that maybe my world is stopping or I am not moving because I don't feel happy about it anymore... that maybe I really need some change... a big scary change.



I keep thinking about it in the past weeks and I get excited but holding it back and now I am a lil worried and scared about it.



And I'm hoping and praying God will guide me through this.



And I wanna cry...



And I wanna sleep...


[Created 01/31/2009 7:30 AM]

Who were you in your last life??? =)

this is cute though it may just be make-believe stuff :)
good luck with yours...
try it in this link http://www.thebigview.com/pastlife/index.html

i can't imagine me being a nun in my past life hehehehe

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Portugal around the year 700. Your profession was that of a monk (nun), bee-keeper or lone gunman.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Inquisitive, inventive, you liked to get to the very bottom of things and to rummage in books. Talent for drama, natural born actor.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
The world is full of ill and lonely people. You should help those, who are less fortunate than you are.